6:59 a.m. September 19, 2012

A scribble

I present to you, the single dickish column ever written. Does this not deserve a hearty does of NSFW derision?

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/

Back channel chatter

  1. Abstinence column? Oh god, now all I want to do is write a Ho Shit column. Full of helpful tips for handling one's ho shit.

    Example: when texting someone a picture of your asshole, clean your fucking bathroom mirror first. No one wants to see your gnarly toothpaste spray.

  2. Live-in harlot? That sounds awesome. Where can I get one?

    Jesus, this guy is such a dickbag. Wah wah wah, people made fun of me because I was a virgin but now I got married and get to bang my hot wife so now I'm going to judge the shit out of you sexually active adults because I'm a big boy now that I get my dick wet on the reg. LOOK AT ME NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS, SOMEONE TOUCHED MY PEEN,

  3. The thing is I thought the holy-abstinence angle was far less unctuous than shitting on the newlywed couple for getting drunk at their wedding reception. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY WERE VIRGINS! "Our 'weddings' were the same event in name only. They know it and we know it." Not for nothing, but thinking that some lucky husband with a glorious post-wedding hangover is lesser than you the morning after your wedding? One would think our hero would only have thoughts of last night's pussy, or at least refueling at the omelette station for post-brunch missionary lights-off loving. Nope, he just wants to gloat about....I'M GETTING LEIGH LEVEL ANGRY. (Seriously, Paul can we FJM this guy, now?)

  4. I like this a lot. Only thing is, as Sex and Science Editor, Leigh should get first dibs on this. Is that ok with you Patrick? I'm not sure if needs two authors. Hmmm -- not sure what to do when one writer pitches an idea and another writes it. Maybe we need to figure out a kind of finders fee thing.

  5. OK, give 'em hell, Leigh. Just one request, if you could throw a hat tip to my good friend, the greatest American stand-up, Auggie Smith for bringing it to our attention. That would be cool. (http://auggiesmith.com/index2.html)

    p.s. On this page, you can find a certain NSFW writer playing the straight man, but That's Not My Point: http://auggiesmith.com/Auggiesmithvideos.html

  6. Sounds good -- thanks Patrick. Ok, Leigh?

  7. Sounds great. And I'd really like Patrick to get some kind of finder's fee for this.

  8. Just mention that he craps all over newlyweds who may have been virgins, (probably not because they sound fun) and I'll be happy.