4:58 p.m. August 20, 2012

Go fuck yourself, legitimately

Over the weekend, during an interview on local news station KTVI-TV, Representative Todd Akin was asked to share his thoughts on abortion. Mr. Akin, the Republican Senate nominee from Missouri is staunchly pro-life, his views seemingly absolute. When asked to elaborate his position on abortion in situations relating to rape, Akin made the motherfucking Internet and all of political media light itself on fire.

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that it’s really rare,” said Mr. Akin, regarding pregnancies resulting from rape. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

See that? Ignore that whole “legitimate rape” bit for a few paragraphs and focus on the good news, ladies! In the midst of this GOP war on women, with the loss of contraception and reproductive choice flitting terrifyingly close to reality, the secret to true bodily autonomy has been with you all along. Much like Dorothy, who wore those damn magical home-shoes the entire fucking movie, the power to control your uterine destiny lies with you. Sure, the whole idea of magical all-knowing vaginas seems painfully Galenic, but since when does belief in archaic ideology conflict with modern medicine? (Trick question, it never does.)

“What about birth control?” one asks, their words dripping in naivety. Nay, the female body has ways to deal with pesky, unwanted sperm! For those just now discovering their blushing lady flowers, there is an enchanted world in your nether regions that would rival even the most revered of pen and paper role playing games. However, in order to understand how to wield that vaginal power and “shut the whole thing down”, one needs to understand which class of vagina one possesses.

The Druid class vagina is a popular model, one of which any demure young lady would be lucky to have. Resembling a Dilophosaurus in form and ability, this vagina spits contraceptive venom well suited for total sperm annihilation. Skills of the Druid vagina include nature-based magic, animal communication, and shape-shifting. Would-be rapists should be on alert for plain-looking vulvas, lest they belie a terror that could swiftly shut things down. (Illegitimate rapists pay no mind, this does not involve you.)

The Ranger class vagina has ancient roots leading all the way back to an oft-widowed queen with a formidable set of vagina dentata. This vagina sports a menacing cervical bear trap capable of not only conception shut-down, but also penile wounding. Ranger vaginas are skilled at dressing game, horsemanship, and especially tracking. They are not the most social of vaginas, but they are certainly clever.

The Mage class vagina has several mechanisms for avoiding pregnancy, but their most successful sperm disposal at close contact range is their ability to conjure portals. The cervix, instead of opening into the uterus, becomes the mythical Portal of Lost Embryos, shunting the seminal fluid deep into the recesses of a far away shit pit. Not as docile as they may seem, Mage vaginas can also cast spells to stun their rapists and rain down elemental hellfire from afar.

A word of caution regarding the Rogue class vaginas. These trickster vaginas are not bound by the rules of engagement and can opt to thieve sperm for their own use, purposefully delegitimizing the rape in exchange for a lifetime of child support payments and likely jail time for the rapist. Instead of rebuffing the semen during unwanted vaginal intercourse, the Rogue vagina oft slurps it up with nimble dexterity, storing it near her ova until pregnancy serves her purposes. Depending on the desired legitimacy or illegitimacy of the rape, Rogue vaginas can be a favored ally or dreaded complication.

Now, onto the issue of legitimacy. Merriam-Webster defines legitimate as “conforming to recognized principles or accepted rules and standards.” In the case of rape, one would posit that for a rape to be legitimate, it would need only to involve at least two people and sexual activity without consent.

However, for Rep. Akins, rape is clearly not something as straightforward as a nonconsensual sex act forced upon an unwilling person. No, from his usage of the word “legitimate”, which most would assert to be a blisteringly stupid redundancy, it can be inferred that rape is something far more nuanced to Rep. Akins. What are the other types of rape? Illegitimate rape? How does that work? “Asking For It” rape? “She Had It Coming” rape? “Sorry Judge, I Thought She Was Into It Even Though She Said No” rape?

Culturally pervasive is the idea that rape is only legitimate if it follows some bullshit Hollywood detective story narrative involving some of - but not necessary all of - the elements that prove just how unwanted the sex was. This body of evidence, combined with the jury’s perspective of the victim’s sexual nature, determines if it’s a legitimate rape or not.

Did the victim fight hard enough? Could there have been the tiniest shred of doubt in the rapist’s mind that the victim may have, in fact, secretly longed to be sexually assaulted? Was the victim so fiendishly attractive that no one on a jury could blame a rapist for being overcome by their inner barbarian? Did the victim say yes then no? But what about that ass, judge?!

It does me good to sit with the klonopin calm that washes over me like warm, bloody pink bath water when I remember that I am a beautiful and fleshy human meat sack and thereby cannot be legitimately raped because my genetic gift of fuckability (namely that I have holes to penetrate) infers that I will ask for and enjoy all sexual advances during the course of my life.

Even if my mouth is saying no, my fleshy parts are always saying yes. How lucky am I to have a body that just won’t quit! A body that will so eagerly give de facto consent to sex by virtue of its very existence! No one would even dare assume the legitimacy of my hypothetical rape because all my body parts are so clearly begging to be fucked, begging to be inseminated, begging to be ruled by those who claim dominion over my womb and body. After all, you can't legitimately rape someone if their body is asking for it, right?

How lucky are we to have acquired such guardians to watch and protect our future unborn clusters of cells! To save our zygotes from the punishment facing our illegitimate rapists!

Note, please do not consider the sacks of meat and water and shit and bone that will carry, birth and raise those cells. Never you mind those sad, homely, non-magical, non-sperm repelling vaginas. Don't think about the fact that rape is rape, that it can and does happen to people from all walks of life, regardless or in spite of or inspired by their physical form. Those are just complicating factors. Eye on the prize, boys.

Also, Rep Todd Akin can legitimately go fuck himself.

Back channel chatter

There is a scribble about this dispatch in the backroom, with seven contributors.