4:08 p.m. July 6, 2012

New Study Finds Breast Size Linked To Bounciness

Big jugs bounce more than itty bitty titties, according to a new study entitled "Predictors of three-dimensional breast kinematics during bare-breasted running," by Wood, White, Milligan, Ayres, Hedger and Scurr. This study provides much needed insight into the complex and oft-neglected field of bare-breasted kinematics.  As its name implies, the field of breast kinematics deals exclusively with description and analysis of how dirty pillows move.  Recently published in the American College of Sports Medicine flagship journal, "Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise," the study sought to analyze breast kinematics during running and explain the differences in lady melon bounciness, fun bag acceleration and overall chesticle motion with regard to titty-specific measurements. 

Their findings, which surely must have come as a shock to all involved, concluded that the motion of bare breasts increased significantly with regard to cup size.  That’s right, big ole’ ripe-for-motorboatin’ honkers bounce more than those naughty little alt grrrl tits you can fit in your mouth.  The study also found that science can effectively predict just how bouncy that naked titty would be based on the overall size of said bosom.  

In a tragic twist, this comes more than a decade too late for the seminal bouncy boobie television drama, "Baywatch," which would have undoubtedly benefited from the knowledge that larger and totally bare mammaries would have more effectively created the dynamic breast kinematics that served as the riveting plot line of each and every episode.

With such ground-breaking work being done in the field of breast kinematics, it is surely just a matter of time before other age-old mysteries of daddy’s special milk bar are investigated with such rigor.  Suggested research directives include, but are not limited to the following areas of inquiry:

- Nipple reaction to solid state water molecules

- Comparative analysis of pleasure-pain thresholds using aggressive nipple stimulation in novice and experienced practitioners of sexual sadomasochism

- What happens to breasts when you squeeze them? A quantitative analysis of breast squishiness

- Premenstrual breast tenderness: A myth?

- Heterosexual males and breasts: Would they like to touch them?

- Sexual arousal rates in women when washing their breasts in the shower: self-reported data versus quantitative analysis

If this recent advancement in breast kinematic research is anything to go by, we are almost certain to be entering exciting times in lady parts science. Perhaps one day in the future, the intractable secrecy that shrouds each and every titty will be ceremoniously lifted to joyfully expose us to the full scientific glory of breasts.