11:47 a.m. July 24, 2012

Politician To Other Politicians: Stop Being Political

In a recent campaign speech in front of dozens of news cameras, a multiracial audience and a slew of American flags, the country’s most elite politician denounced other politicians for politicizing a political issue.

The politician, who rose to political office after years of perfecting his stump speech, raising hundreds of millions of dollars, and running countless negative attack ads, criticized his political opponents for opposing his political position.

“As usual, pandering politicians are attempting to score political points,” said the politician, “but the American people want a system of governance that isn’t about politics. And I believe they’ll choose that system at the conclusion of this political contest.”

Critics of the politician immediately dismissed his statement, saying that the highly skilled political player was merely “playing politics.”

Meanwhile, political analysts attempted to dissect the statement’s impact on swing states, noting that, in this election year, it all comes down to politics. "In this charged partisan climate, the bashing of politics is a winning issue,” said one cable news pundit. “This anti-political stance will help win over voters all ideologies – assuming, of course, that they show up at the ballot box and engage in the political process.”

Many voters do indeed seem eager to elect political leaders who openly reject the process by which they attain power. “I wish our politicians would show some real leadership for once instead of just taking money from lobbyists and ignoring the long-term consequences of their actions,” said one wistful voter. “But these days, it seems like the only politicians who get elected are the ones who spend all their time thinking about their next election.”

Others bemoan the fact that politicians often make political decisions at the behest of special interest groups instead of simply doing the right thing. “Where are the politicians who support all the normal interests,” said a normal voter. “The ones that help me personally?”

Still, the politician’s anti-political statement did not win over everyone. “Sure, that politician says he hates politics, but you can tell he probably enjoys it,” said one skeptical voter. “I never vote for any politician unless I’m sure they’ll hate every aspect of their job.”

Others say it’s unfair to malign politics as a whole. “We only need to get rid of the bad parts of politics,” said a professor of political science. “Things like gutter politics, dirty politics, Chicago-style politics, sound bite politics, destructive political attacks, and cheap political stunts that solve nothing. Other than that, we have a great system.”

Overall, however, 90% of voters say they are “very pleased” with the politician’s anti-political platform, according to the latest political polling data. In fact, some speculate that the politician may soon call for a phase-out of politics altogether. Many analysts believe such a move would constitute a decisive, strategic blow to his political opponents.

For now, the politician is promoting his message with a new campaign ad. “There is no place in our political system for blatant political rhetoric,” he says in the ad. “In the spirit of bi-partisan compromise, it’s time for politicians to put politics aside and agree with me.”