2:19 a.m. August 20, 2012

School House Glock

It's hard to keep everyone happy, but it's even harder to keep absolutely no-one happy. And yet the University of Colorado, in creating a special dorm for students with concealed carry permits while banning weapons from all other residential areas, has managed to do precisely that.

The decision follows rulings by the state legislature and Colorado's Supreme Court which upheld students' right to carry concealed weapons on campus.

Students for Concealed Carry, who were part of the lawsuit which forced the university to back away from a previous blanket ban on hidden weapons, are flinging around comparisons with Jim Crow laws while chirping merrily that “the answer to bullets flying is almost always more bullets flying”.

Meanwhile The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence told us through gritted teeth that it "commends the University of Colorado for taking every possible step to protect the safety of students and faculty in the wake of poor decisions by their state legislature and Supreme Court..." Adding: "Those who live and work on our nation's college campuses have always been some of the strongest opponents of the National Rifle Association's insane 'Every Gun, Everywhere' agenda."

Ordinarily any move to segregate based on belief would be welcomed by NSFWCORP, but the problem with Colorado's "second amendment" dorm initiative is that it doesn't go far enough. Although the properly trained and licensed gun-lovers are now safely shut off away from the main population, there's still plenty of opportunity for conflict between others with different Constitutional viewpoints. To guarantee total student harmony, all freshmen arriving at the Boulder, Colorado Springs or Denver campuses should be assigned to residential accommodation according to their favourite amendment.

Residents in the Third Dorm will be able to relax safe in the knowledge that they won't be bunking with an army brat. Campus police at the Fourth Dorm will have to give notice before conducting searches for contraband, drugs, women smuggled in from the Nineteenth Dorm and of course unlicensed firearms and knives with a blade longer than four inches.

Some dorms will be harder to cope with than others: the Thirteenth has no cleaners and residents have to do all the chores themselves, and while the Eighteenth dorm is blissfully free of alcohol, the Twenty-First is literally built on top of it -- five storeys of cocktail bars, microbreweries and 24-hour liquor stores. Many African-American students will at first rush to sign up to the Fourteenth dorm, but when they get there they will discover it's long since become a refuge for long-suffering corporations, where they can be free from bondage and live out their years with full legal rights as enrolled students.

Some dorms will be reserved for special cases: the Twentieth for PhD students close to running out of time before submitting, the Twenty-Fourth for anyone falling behind on their tuition fees, and the First for everyone who believes that being a student entitles them to endless late night rambling discussions that meander between religion, politics and philosophy. That last one will get crowded quickly.