11:51 a.m. July 30, 2012

Scapegoat Slip

Alleged Aurora shooter James Holmes has been charged with 24 counts of first-degree murder along with over 100 other violent offenses. But, despite Holmes apparently acting alone, he’s not the only one being blamed for the Colorado shootings.

After the name and photo of Holmes’ psychiatrist, Dr. Lynne Fenton, was released three days ago, her past has been picked apart (a 2005 reprimand for writing fraudulent prescriptions, some of them to herself, is the latest dirt, courtesy of the LA Times).

Others have been wondering why Glenn Rotkovich — the shooting-range owner who rejected Holmes’ membership after hearing his creepy voicemail greeting — didn't report it to authorities. (In response, The Department of Homeland Security has vowed to raise public awareness of its Creepy Voicemail Greeting Division.)

Still more have speculated that Holmes’ UPS delivery driver should have noticed all the bullets in those boxes he was kicking and dropping and throwing against walls, and the NY Daily News has urged UPS and Fedex to ban customers from shipping ammunition.

Even the National Institute of Health is being looked at askance for the research grant it gave Holmes, which CBS correspondent John Miller said raised the "the specter of a federally funded shooting."

When it comes to playing the Aurora shooting blame game, though, whose culpability are we overlooking?

Holmes’ Pizza Hut delivery guy

Holmes is a 24-year-old grad-school dropout, which means he subsisted almost entirely on pizza delivery. Surely his local Pizza Hut guy saw or heard or smelled something suspicious when thrusting Holmes’ weekly stockpile of P’Zones through the crack in his door? If nothing else, he could have offered to sell him weed, which might have made all the difference.

The Manic Panic salesgirl at the Hot Topic in Aurora Town Center

In Aurora Town Center — the same mall where the doomed Century 16 theater resides — there is a Hot Topic. At that Hot Topic, there is a Manic Panic counter. Behind that counter sits a goth girl. It is that goth girl’s job to sell Manic Panic hair dye to the assorted Avenged Sevenfold and Insane Clown Posse fans who drag their saggy-pantsed asses into the store clutching money they stole from their moms’ purses when their moms were passed out drunk. Holmes, a middle-class kid from a good home, clearly wasn’t one of these kids. Still, he was able to buy bright red hair dye from the goth girl at Hot Topic without sending up an equally red flag.

Mark Zuckerberg

The goth girl at Hot Topic was too busy playing Vampire Wars on Facebook to pay attention to the fact that she was clearly selling hair dye to a future mass murderer.

Holmes’ kindly, encouraging third-grade science teacher

Unconfirmed reports indicate that one Mrs. Edna McGillicutty was Holmes’ science teacher in third grade. It was thanks to her gentle, selfless guidance that Holmes became interested in science, a path of deadly obsession, technical dexterity, and abject geekitude that directly led to his fatal massacre. Unfortunately Mrs. McGillicutty herself has passed away, so she is unable to eke out her final years wracked with well-earned guilt.

Carly Rae Jepsen 

Seriously, have you heard that shit? “Call Me Maybe,” Jesus fucking Christ. It’s enough to make anyone shoot anyone.

Every woman who never fucked Holmes

Dr. Lynne Fenton and Carly Rae Jepsen included.

Adam West

The media's fixation on "The Dark Knight Rises" — the film that was screening when Holmes killed 12 theatergoers, not to mention one that Holmes may have been emulating — is obscuring a darker fact: Holmes was born in 1987, two years before Tim Burton reimagined Batman as a dark, vengeful antihero. That means Holmes first exposure to Batman as a formative toddler was reruns of ’60s Batman TV show. The star of that goofy, campy program: Adam West. Just imagine Holmes’ trauma when, still in preschool, he first saw his avuncular, brightly-colored image of Batman twisted to accommodate our modern neuroses. Sure, you could blame Burton. But West has fewer lawyers.

Dr. Ezekiel F. Kornblum, inventor of the time machine

In 2278, Dr. Ezekiel F. Kornblum invented the first functioning time machine, which he used to travel to the past on a one-man crusade to right historical wrongs. He impregnated Einstein’s mother before her idiot husband could get his idiot hands on her. He helped Hitler rise to power, because otherwise there would be no Hitler to scare people with. And he kept Al Gore from winning the U.S. election in 2000, thus preempting America’s century-long, eco-fascist dynasty. Yet he mysteriously neglected to visit 2012 and tie Holmes’ shoelaces together the night of his massacre. Also curious: the fact that Kornblum — who was always a kind of a loner asshole — looks an awful lot like Holmes in a clown wig.