2:30 p.m. November 6, 2012

Election Fever, Part 2

2.30pm EST Through the fug of whatever the fuck I've taken to cut through the fuzz of whatever the fuck it is I've got, I can discern this kind of low hum as the internet talks to itself about the election. Long lines, disenfranchisement, voter suppression, "thousands of calls to watchdogs" as Americans struggle against tides of ballot-blocking bullshit. Hell's bells.

2.37pm "Come tomorrow Mitt Romney will either be President Elect, or a mere asterisk in the book of history." BBC is best for disparaging punctuation similes. I might have gone further and written Mr. Dapper Dan Magic-Pants off as a semi-colon. Nobody likes a semi-colon.

2.38pm By this logic, Obama is an ampersand.

2.40pm The smell of some hella strong pot is wafting under the apartment door. First you vote, then you toke. This is how they do it in Ditmas Park.

2.41pm I'm hungry.

2.50pm Footage from Romney's New Hampshire rally. Disturbing to hear him use "when", consistently, rather than "if". "When" he gets elected. Without a blink, without any concession. These guys see humility as weakness.

Don't you "when" me, Romney.

2.55pm Message from disconsolate Texan writer friend, resident in Ireland. "I nearly had to get a lawyer to get my ballot from Texas, the fuckers. Not that my vote will matter really because of the way the system works. Romney will win Texas by probably 16 points and get all their votes in the Electoral College. But I thought the principle was important.

"Anyway I got the ballot, filled it out, and sent it back. Which doesn't necessarily mean they'll count it. I used to think politics was mean when I was young, but it's gotten way meaner since then. Steve says somebody has predicted there will be recounts in up to 7 states this time. A county judge in my home town down in Texastan said he thought there would be a revolt if Obama won. He was all for that. Crazy shit.

Have a great trip and don't get caught in the Apocalypse if the Antichrist gets re-elected. Ha!"

Ha!

2.59pm Michael Bloomberg on CNN giving an update on Sandy recovery. It's pretty grim. Watch out for signs of hypothermia in your neighbours. Don't use gas to stay warm. Fires and carbon monoxide poisoning. Better cold than dead.

3.02pm My hosts will be holing up in one of Manhattan's fine-ass dive bars to watch the results. As God is my witness, I shall join them. And after I have checked the contraindications on this bottle of kill-or-cure, I shall drink beer.

3.10pm "Looking forward to the election result," says English chum "...on Friday, maybe Monday, after all the hanging chads, recounts, Supreme Court appeals, etc."

Mmm.

3.15pm The great thing about cats is that when there are cats you don't even have to look for cat videos online to distract you from weighty matters of extreme electoral consequence. They're like, right there. Doing cat stuff.

I think the yellow pills are wearing off. What else you got?

3.17pm I am not putting those in my mouth.

3.19pm Do you know, I think whomsoever is performing an amateur bug-spraying on the apartment with their copious amounts of weed is actually doing me a medicinal mischief. Thanks?

3.22pm A woman in labour stopped to vote on the way to hospital in Chicago. This will be a challenging delivery, seeing as how they'll need at least two extra nurses to hold her massive platinum-plated balls out of the way. No fresh new human being has come out of my body to date, but I imagine if that was something that was going to happen in the next few hours, I would be inclined to fuck democracy and get to the place with the doctors in. Yeah, I know, the kid's future and everything, but...

3.23pm I wonder who she voted for.

3.27pm Since another storm is heading for New York, and there's this uneasy lull before results start coming in, it is more than my sickly brain can tackle to come up with a salient metaphor that isn't just fuck-awful obvious. Let's just say it's the something before the other thing and leave it at that, yeah?

Yeah?

3.30pm You're very kind.

3.32pm So if you want to be flippant about it, I flew 3,000 miles to slump in an apartment and look at the internet. Most of the stuff I had planned - meeting relatives, looking up ancestors - isn't going to happen, due to general chaos, technical fuckwittery (by no means all of it mine) and bastard germs. In theory, I could be anywhere. But no matter. When this many people are this focused all at once on the same desperately important matter, it all gets through. You'd have to be wearing several Baumgartner suits not to feel it.

And yeah y'know tonight drinking and all. In New York.

3.34pm I have RISEN. It's a miracle. Good luck, America. Do it right.