6:55 a.m. November 6, 2012

Rescuing the Killjoy State

For today, and today alone, the nation's eyes are on Ohio. Lines of voters snake round blocks that on any other day most of us wouldn't know exist. Voter suppression stories are starting to jostle with voter fraud claims, as the swingyest of swing states chooses America's Next Top Politician.

Tomorrow, though, the world will go back to not giving a fuck about Ohio. Like a sad reality show star whose fifteen minutes has expired, the state will experience a sudden, and potentially soul destroying, crash into obscurity.

Surely there must be some hope for Ohio? Isn't there anything the Buckeye State can offer the easily-distracted citizens of the rest of the country for four more years? Other than Buckeyes, which apparently are some kind of cookie.

In fact, even Ohioans generally recommend not going to Ohio, and after digging into it, I think I've figured out why. Ohio actively legislates out its fun. Here are some examples of laws from the Killjoy State...

It's illegal to offer coloured rabbits or baby poultry for sale. Not a racist thing, it's about dyeing cute little animals, which they just find freaky. Blue bunnies? Hate them. Green ducklings? Ugly.

If Ohio really wanted to boost tourism, they'd immediately revoke the dyed animals ban, transforming the landscape into a technicoloured menagerie of suffocating livestock.

Speaking of cruelty to animals for fun and profit: Ohio has also prohibited whaling in the Great Lakes – but only on Sunday. I don't know about you, but that's the only time I like to hunt whales. So let's axe that law too. (Days of the week feature prominently in Ohio laws – for instance, no one can be arrested on Sunday or on the 4th of July. Although, actually that's quite a fun law. It can stay.)

There's a prohibition on slot machines in outhouses. Let's throw that out – in fact, let's require them not only in all restrooms but also kitchens, panic rooms and photo booths.

Risking the ire of NSFWCORP's Sex and Science editor Leigh Cowart, there is no public breastfeeding in Ohio. To spice things up, let's make it mandatory. (Note: spicing your breast milk can cause developmental issues and chafing.)

Until recently, if you lost your tiger you had to notify the authorities within one hour. This not only removed a major opportunity for excitement, adventure and really wild things, it just wasn't fair on the tigers. But the law's repeal on September 5th doesn't go far enough. My advice: Tiger Thursday. In fact, let's just go with Big Caturday: let your jaguars, panthers, lions and tigers run free. Cheetahs by special appointment only.

So there you go. Maybe with a bit of creative lawmaking, we can turn the Killjoy State into the Escaped Tiger State – and give the rest of the country a reason to remember them beyond Election Day.