9:29 p.m. December 25, 2012

The Roast of Baby Jesus

December 25th, 0 A.D. Bethlehem, Judea

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to roast him. – Matthew 2:1-2

Well, my fellow wise men and I came to this stable looking for a big star, but instead we’re stuck you losers. Look at this mangy dais! A virgin, a donkey, and curious foreigners brandishing valuables – is this a Bethlehem stable or the Tijuana midnight show?

I would like to apologize for the robes the other two wise men are wearing – talk about donning your gay apparel! Where do you get your fashion advice, Queer Eye of the Magi? For the last time, guys, we’re not the Three Queens.

And who brings frankincense and myrrh to a newborn anyway? Those are baby gifts that say “I don’t know what a baby is.” Frankly I wonder why I even brought the gold – we should’ve just chipped in for a room that wasn’t a literal pigsty.

Speaking of ignorant slobs who roll around in their own filth, my friends the shepherds are here.

The shepherds say supernatural beings appeared to them in the clouds and told them to show up here. Yeah, sounds like a classic case of “Angles We Have Heard While High”. You guys are more stoned than the Ten Commandments.

By the way, your significant others wanted to be here but they’re still upset that last night’s sex was so baaaaaad. Come on guys, we all know that when it comes to your flocks by night, you do a lot more than just watch. You’ve ripped through more puffy white assholes than spoiled food at the Roman Senate.

It’s good to see the Little Drummer Boy here. I’m not saying the Little Drummer Boy is gay – but he is oddly obsessed with his rump-a-pum-pum. Seriously, kid, take a lesson from newborn baby Jesus. If he can come out of his mom, you can come out to yours.

Speaking of sexual confusion, it’s good to see Mary here. Mary you just gave birth but you call yourself a virgin. And I thought this stable was full of shit.

No, I’m kidding Mary, we all know you were impregnated by God, apparently when He forgot to wear immaculate protection. By the way Joseph, when you finally have sex with Mary for the first time, do yourself a favor - don’t bother asking if you’re the best she’s ever had.

But I admire you Joseph – a lesser man might feel weird about worshiping an omnipotent cock blocker. But you’re a carpenter – I’m sure you know other ways to get wood.

And finally now to the infant of the hour. You’re a lucky kid, Jesus. The last time I roasted a baby I was making a child sacrifice to Ba’al.

Jesus, you’re the King of the Jews but as a baby you’re more like the King of the Juice. You may be the Messiah but you still wear diapers – if Mary doesn’t change those swaddling clothes you’ll sleep in heavenly pee.

And what’s with all the excessive titles? Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace? I mean, Jesus Christ!