3:46 a.m. November 6, 2012

My Election Day Insanity Tour

NSFWCORP's 24 Hour election coverage is in full swing. As your Political Correspondent, it’s my honor to be a cog in that beautiful machine – the cog frantically sprinting from swing state to swing state, monitoring as much of the election as I possibly can.

As you read these words, I'll be waking up in Miami, Florida. While I fantasize about relaxing on the beach, I’ll really be headed to the nearest polling place to survey the scene and make sure that this time, Florida doesn’t screw up the election for weeks on end. You’re pre-emptively welcome, everyone.

Once I’m satisfied that the wheels of democracy are turning smoothly, it’s wheels up for Cleveland, Ohio. While I fantasize about not being in Cleveland, I’ll really be in Cleveland, part of the battleground-iest state in the country. Voter suppression? Voter fraud? Not on my watch. I’ll be spending several hours in the Buckeye State – plenty of time to get things sorted out before I leave.

Next up is Charlotte, North Carolina, the biggest city is the swing state I call home. Now technically, I won’t have time to actually leave the airport before my next flight, but rest assured: I will be carefully monitoring the likes of Quiznos, Sbarro, and Manchu Wok for any sign of electoral malfeasance – or any sign of electoral anything, really.

Finally, I’ll fly to Las Vegas, Nevada, landing about an hour after the polls close and heading to NSFWCORP’s Las Vegas Election HQ, a lavish hotel suite at the swanky Cosmopolitan. From there, I’ll join our Vegas crew for coverage that continues for ANOTHER EIGHT HOURS! Hot damn.

Want to keep up with the action? See my Dispatches and so much more by subscribing to NSWFCORP. It’s only $3 a month, people. You’ll get your money’s worth on Election Day alone. If you’re already a subscriber, please take a moment to feel a slight tinge of smug superiority.

And if you live in Miami, Cleveland, or the Charlotte airport and have any insider tips for me, please email james at nsfwcorp.com. Or tweet me up @JamesKotecki.

See you at the polls, America. And don’t try any funny business. I’ll be watching you.

Illustration by Mark Kaufman