3:58 p.m. November 2, 2012

Anything but rape

If the past year has taught us anything, it’s that the Republican party has a lot to say about rape, products of rape, and abortion. But with only days to go until the election, I was hopeful that the virtual onslaught of rape commentary from pro-life GOP pundits had slowed to a stop.

But alas, the endless rape gaffes seem destined to keep flooding my news feed. That’s right, there’s been another one.

On Wednesday, footage was released from a fundraising event this past weekend in Everett, Washington of John Koster, the Republican nominee in Washington’s First Congressional District. As we have come to anticipate from such gatherings, a reporter questioned Koster on the one topic so oft neglected by the mainstream media and the blogosphere: rape babies. Kosker heard the cries for more rape commentary and ever so gallantly stepped up to the plate to deliver this grand slam soundbite.

Koster: “On the rape thing, it's like, how does putting more violence onto a woman's body and taking the life of an innocent child that's the consequence of this crime, how does that make it better? You know what I mean?”

Questioner: “But she has to live with the consequence of that crime.”

Koster: “Well, you know crime has consequences.”

Oh, the rape thing. At this point, I am sure you, dear reader, are expecting an explosive tirade of venom, filth, and accusatory finger wagging. After all, Kosker’s comment so clearly lays bare his utter mischaracterization of rape as something that the woman is somehow complicit in. I mean, how else could he possibly justify his stance that the woman should suffer the consequence of the crime? Hey girl, I know you were just raped, but that baby is a consequence of the crime you were involved in, so I guess you better just deal with it. Consent ain’t nothing but a word, baby!

But I am tired. I’m fucking over listening to rich, white men whine and bitch about women’s reproductive rights and bray about how sexual assault is a cleverly packaged gift that is something God intended to happen. Rape is not a method of conception. Rape is not subject to questions of legitimacy. Rape is not just really bad sex. Women who get raped have not done anything wrong. The fact that these politicians are standing up so righteously for the erosion of women’s rights is absurd.

Worse, this endless romanticizing of the rights of rapists to protect their unborn children is in no way affecting the polls in a serious fashion. These patronizing dickbags are still incredibly electable. People will still vote for them. They will still take office. No one seems to care.

Which brings me to my point. I am here to beg the GOP to please, please just stop mentioning rape.

Dear Members of the Grand Old Party,

I am writing as a member of the voting public and alleged owner of a v****a to appeal for a moratorium on rape commentary for the remainder of the 2012 election cycle. I, along with all other Americans, already have a really good handle on how you guys feel about rape babies, and further elucidation of your positions on rape-as-a-form-of-conception is equally redundant.

To demonstrate my grasp of your Your Rape Baby Is A Gift Platform 2012, I want you to know that I fully understand that if I am raped, you do not want me to seek emergency contraception or abortive services and would instead dictate that I happily assist in the continuation of the genetic lineage of the rapist who violated me.

The fact that you can marginalize half of your voting base with such demonstrative infantilization of their entire personhood has triggered in me a serious depression. To wit, I am writing to you whilst wearing a bathrobe, at two in the afternoon, drinking cold coffee from a mug that says “I love pies”. My life is, shall I say, rather bleak as of late.

So, yes, I get it. You can stop talking about rape now.

Please stop talking about rape now.

On the off chance that you enjoy making insane and/or offensive statements as a marker of your utter and irrefutable electability, I and the NSFWCORP writers have compiled a short list of other, equally batshit and uncomfortable topics for your consideration. Any one of these will elicit the same response from your key rape baby demographic while releasing the rest of the country from the soul-crushing vice of depression that your ceaseless rape commentary has caused...

  • Angels
  • Demons
  • Angels and demons
  • Angels and Demons
  • Drowning the babies of the infidel
  • QR codes as the mark of the beast
  • Drone strikes on kittens
  • Mixing milk and meat
  • Magical underwear
  • The rightful place of women in the home
  • How black people/Muslims/Spanish speakers/women/poor people are scary
  • The climate change hoax
  • Noah’s Ark
  • People and dinosaurs, living as one
  • Lazy, pot-smoking, unemployed liberals
  • The pending apocalypse

Publicly taking a position on any of the above will, at this point, have zero effect on your election chances, so please feel free to let your batshit insane flag fly.

But please, enough with the rape.


Leigh Cowart

Back channel chatter

There is a scribble about this dispatch in the backroom, with three contributors.